the month of no excess...

May is the month of no excess for me.
I'm cutting all excesses from my life
all extras
all mores
all not needs...
beginning with my eating habits:
No desserts
no extra servings
no snacks
no processed food
no meals out...
moving on to my spending habits:
No trinkets
no etsy or ebay
no pretties
no decorations
no gifts "just because"
no wrapping or garnishments...
on to my entertainment:
No driving "just because"
no movies
no mall looking
no plays
no trips
no computer games
no hotels...
I wonder what I'll look like
on the other side of
no excess?
(to be continued)

Patron of the Arts

I must have been
a Patron of the Arts
in a past life...
I LOVE to give
money
to artists...
the newer
the more starving
the less discovered
the better.
I don't really care about
"having" their artwork
so much as
supporting their
creative process...
let others
consume
own
and display proudly...
I am much more
interested in
supporting
encouraging
and nurturing
the creative spark.
Or perhaps...
rather than an
actual patron,
I was a
young
starving
unappreciated
artist
myself?
Ah, yes...
in MULTIPLE
incarnations!

Fashion Magazines

My husband
recently
asked me to get rid of
my fashion magazines...
He says he is
concerned
about the artificial
and destructive
image that our
daughter will be
absorbing
if we keep them
in the home.
It
simply
never
occurred
to me...
I had thought of the
violent games
the
Victoria's Secret Catalogs
the
adult TV and Movies...
But fashion magazines?
I loved them so
growing up...
and yet, as I
dig deeper
I must admit
he's got a point...
I remember being a girl
and seeing the
glammed up
touched up
looked up
to models
gracing the artificially
enhanced pages...
lovely art, perhaps
but an impossibly
false
image
for this little girl
with chubby thighs...
So goodbye fashion magazines!
Perhaps both my daughter
and I
will benefit from your
departure!

Online Shopping

Online Shopping is dangerous
for the
empty woman.
It used to be that
you had to
take a shower
get dressed up
and drive
to a shopping mall--
all requiring effort.
But Online Shopping
is the McDonald's Drive Thru
of shopping--
a quick stop buy
with credit card number
is all you need.
From your couch
in front of the TV
with old sweat pants
(covered in cookie crumbs)--
no problem!
You can buy, buy, buy
in private (secret)...
only you
and your credit card company
will ever know...
and the postal service,
of course,
you good little "consumer".
Stuffing more and more
is never the answer to
emptiness,
no matter how
EASY
it is...
Excess Consumption
has always been the problem,
not the answer.

How to start a diet

1. Throw out all the clothes that are too small for you or don't flatter your current figure, and GO SHOPPING! Buy at least 3 or 4 outfits in your current size that look smashing on you RIGHT NOW!

2. Get new makeup and a new hairdo, and look AMAZING every time you leave the house. You deserve it right now--don't WAIT until you're some other size!

3. Buy pretty nightgowns and sexy bras that fit beautifully NOW--indulge in sensual fabrics.

4. Dance every chance you get (especially with your lover and children)...get outside and see the world...walk from place to place so you don't miss the beauty all around you by being cooped up in a car.

5. Eat ONLY what you want...eat ONLY the best quality...eat ONLY until you are satisfied (and then go dance--see number 4).

6. Have sex as much as possible...take long bubble baths...stretch your entire body like a luxuriating cat every day.

7. Throw yourself into creative projects that satisfy all levels of your being.

8. Re-discover yourself (don't re-invent...you're already where you need to be, so let's be honest and LOOK at WHAT IS).

9. Spend lots of time speaking with interesting people about fascinating topics. Get up, go out--BE RELEVANT.

10. Get plenty of rest...but not too much...after all, your exciting life is to full to spend sleeping it away!

Hmmm...perhaps I should have entitled this "How to be satisfied in your own skin"...
:)

Having Oneself...

Why is it so
difficult
to have ones own self
when all those
around you
are so busy
having
their own
needs
wants
and image
of you?
It's like Mom
(and Wife)
(and Daughter)
(and Friend)
always seem to
usurp
Actual Me.

The Mad Hatter
would look at me
and sigh...
"You've lost your
MUCHNESS."

I miss my
muchness...
can't everyone else
find their own
instead of constantly
requiring
mine?

Floppy Mommy Breasts

Is it a
RULE
that Mommy Breasts
must flop?
I stare
stupefied
naked into the mirror...
and not until
I cradle you
chortling
and chugging at my
milky breast
slapping my
floppy breasts
with joy,
that I say
YES!
Oh that every woman
could enjoy
her Floppy Mommy Breasts
as much as
we!

The Importance of Hair

It's amazing how critical
HAIR
becomes
when one's body is
chubby.
I found an adorable
blond shag,
saved my $$$
for months,
and build up this haircut
like a trip to
Disneyland
or the Vatican.
Arranged my first babysitters
to care for my one year old
and went off to
visit the Promised Land.
When I left Dante's Inferno
with orange hair
and a too-short cut,
for the first time
I felt
thoroughly FAT
(go figure).
Tried to make it work,
but you can't turn a turnip
into a rose.
Plunked down even more $$$
to get it fixed
by someone else...
now my hair is different
than the blond shag,
but I love it.
How svelte I feel!

The Story of More

I was raised by a Culture
who's one promise
is MORE.
If you work hard,
you'll get MORE...
If you're beautiful
(smart, thin, nice, etc)
you'll get MORE...
If you're successful
you'll get MORE...
and yet,
it seems we are
MORE-ing
ourselves to death.
As SOON as we have
the newest techno gadget,
there's MORE even BETTER
available.
As soon as we HAVE the man
there are MORE that are BETTER...
and as soon as we break up with
the "inferior" man
we "feel lonely" without one.
As soon as we have a new pair of shoes
we want a dress...
and as soon as we hit our goal weight
we realize that our thighs are still too chubby...
our blood sugar's too high...
we cannot quite finish that marathon...
or we "need" plastic surgery.
The story of MORE
is really the
story of
futility...
MORE is a
four-letter word, after all.
For the new year
(and all the years to come)
I'm stopping the "hero's quest" for
MORE
and instead going to seek
what IS.
My, my...look how SUCCESSFUL I am...
how HAPPY I am...
how LOVED I am...
how FULL my life is...
how could I possibly fit
MORE
onto my plate?
MMMmmmMMM...
life is GRAND.

Fashion Flush

I have been spending
FAR too much money
buying adorable clothes
for my baby girl...
she just looks so
PERFECT
in everything!
After the bazillionth
outfit
I had to look
at my hidden motive...
I'm buying clothes for her
rather than for me.
Nothing I buy
looks that good on me,
and I'm living
vicariously
through her
perfection.
What's a chubby
fashionista
to do?

Phat

I saw a GORGEOUS woman
this weekend in the mall...
Exotic face
Huge, heart-shaped ass
Long braided hair
Tiny little waist
Sultry mounded belly...
Every curve
and fold
and dimple
could be seen through her
Skin-tight leggings...
She strode
tall and proud in her
Platform heels
Bright, bold colors
Huge, chandelier earrings and
Scarlet lips...
and did I mention the
adoring man's hand
that clutched her rump
like a first prize trophy?
Any white woman
of the same dimensions
would have hidden her
bodacious beauty
away
for not conforming to
society's standards.
I applaud such
independent
beautiful
Black Women...
What style
what aplomb
what finesse...
to turn "fat" into
"Phat".

Beautiful Motherhood

Wouldn't it be
revolutionary
if motherhood
were the new "beautiful"?
If pregnant women
(NOT those skinny celebrities who
stay thin throughout their pregnancy
because of a genetic anomaly
or personal trainer)
with their huge bellies
stretch marks
spider veins
puffy hands, neck, and ankles
were called "lovely"?
Or what if the mother of a newborn
with the flabby tummy
dark sleepless circles under her eyes
and huge, leaky breasts
was called "gorgeous"?
Or the older mothers
with their crows feet eyes
sagging neck and breasts
and lumpy hips and butt
were called "goddesses"?
Wouldn't it be
revolutionary
if women were considered
"knockouts"
for fulfilling their
fertile genetic destiny?
Rather than chasing
the little boys
on birth control
with fake boobs?

It's okay to be fat...

Regardless of the bad press,
it's okay to be fat.
Fat can be lovely
lush
abundant
and
curvaceous.
Zaftig
is a
state of mind.
Give yourself permission
to be
whoever
you are.
Only THEN
can you begin
to aim
for the
future.

Grotesque

A baby eats
zealously
smacking lips
mmMMMMmmmming loudly
closing eyes in ecstasy
...and we call the baby
"adorable"

A woman doing the same...
"sexy"

A man doing the same...
"appreciative"

A fat person doing the same...
"grotesque"

Death or Fat?

"They" say that without death,
we wouldn't value life.
Without pain
we wouldn't value pleasure.
Without sickness
we wouldn't value health.
Without ugliness,
we wouldn't value beauty.
Does that mean
that without fat
I wouldn't value
thinness?

The Secret to Fullness

Fill your moments
full to bursting
rather than
your stomach!

Dogs

Small dogs
live longer than
big dogs.

Little People

In college
I had a roommate
Stacy,
4 foot, 11 inches
the definition of “petite”
Although she was tiny,
she had quite the
cute (literally)
figure,
tiny rounded hips
and tiny rose-tipped
teats.
One evening
she invited me
home
for dinner.
Her family was
just like her,
the largest being
her “big” brother
who weighed in at
150 pounds
and stood
5 foot, 5 inches.
I felt like Gulliver amongst the
Little People,
a gross
5 foot, 7 inch giant.
The meal her mother served
was delectable—
green salad
iced tea
saffron chicken breasts
homemade sourdough bread
with butter
and chocolate mousse for dessert.
But what shocked me
was the portion size:
each person was served
one tiny bowl of green salad
one juice-sized glass of iced tea
one half of one saffron chicken breast
one half slice of sourdough bread
(with a tiny speck of butter already on it)
and each chocolate mousse was served
in a shot glass.
(I’m not exaggerating.)
That’s all she’d made.
I left that night
my tongue satisfied,
my stomach ravenous,
and I watched my generous thighs
spread as I sat my
165 pound frame
into the driver’s seat
of my car,
feeling like
the definition of “whale”.
That night
at an “all night study” group
I consumed an entire order
of French fries
two cups of coffee
with cream
and shared an entire plate
of cheese-smothered
nachos with my date.
All Big People,
the largest being
my date
6 foot, 4 inches
the smallest being
me
5 foot, 7 inches.
Big portions
for Big People…
Now do I want to be
Big
or
Little?

The Story of Illness

I just saw
my sister's high school
graduation photo--
WOW.
Long, stylish hair
luminous skin
what a knockout.
Now...she's just unhealthy.
Instead of stylish--
thrown together.
Instead of luminous--
pasty, pale.
Instead of a knockout--
pounds of getting knocked up.
WOW.
She was never skinny,
just lovely.
But unwholesome living
has taken its toll.
Today she always feels
unwell.
I don't want my
hair
skin
and body
to tell the same story!

Fat--the TRUE "After Birth"

I love my body...
round
curvaceous
luscious
ripe
But lately,
it only seems to get in my way...
move too stiffly
mysterious aches and pains
odd bulges
irregular crevices
My body has served me well...
healthy
agile
flexible
durable
loyal
I don't have a problem
with baby fat,
it's the miscarriage fat that
I can't seem to lose.
I don't want to be skinny
or wear mini skirts
or turn heads anymore
(fun while it lasted,
but I outgrew it long
before they stopped looking)...
I look at my
hills and valleys
and see a map built up by
giving
making the best of
and self-denial...
That may sound funny
since so many consider "fat"
to be a problem of
lack of discipline
or depression.
I have simply replaced
what I truly want or need
with what I could get
or what was easily available
or what others didn't take from me.
Too many crumbs from the master's table.
Tonight I begin the journey of
picking up all the crumbs
sorting through the self-denial
replacing the distractions
with my own bliss.
If people only understood
that fat comes from
the others
taking
taking
taking
they'd stop pushing pills
starvation diets
and gym memberships,
and instead offer
time off
first choices
and the main course.
Fat is what remains
when the scalpel has been removed
and all traces of trauma
seem dissipated.
I love my body...
but maybe it's time
I loved me instead,
so that my body
remembers its
true shape.